We started watching Alias on DVD recently. I know that I’m the better part of a decade behind on this, but I was busy in the early 2000s, so back off.

Couple of things.

First. Why is it that everyone who has a super-secret laboratory/torture room/vault full of valuable 14th century artifacts has a party on that property, then assigns one easily-distracted guard to stand next to the staircase leading to said lab?

Second. I have learned many lessons from Sydney Bristow, but none more important than the one dramatized below.

Spy boss: “Thomas. We need you to sneak into a top secret grocery store, then steal a box of crackers and a jar of marmelade. Bring them back to headquarters and make everyone a delicious snack. You’ll go under cover as a janitor.”

Me: “A sexy janitor?”

Spy boss: “Sure, whatever. Just bring me some Wheat Thins . . . and a bottle of fruit punch.”